we have pet lesbian snakes
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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