dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
