Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm at about main and main street
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
