dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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