I didn't shave. On purpose
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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