why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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