I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
The chlamydia really affected his face.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
