this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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