You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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