God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
He had one of those small greek statue penises
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
