Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
