it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
