i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
