did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
