I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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