I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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