Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
this is an emotional support booty call
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
