i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
