when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
