Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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