Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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