So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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