Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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