God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
