I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Randomize
