so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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