i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
