I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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