I'm going to jail i love you
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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