Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Randomize
