I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
