i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
We are two peas in an std pod
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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