thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
This is not my ceiling
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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