Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
