After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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