I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
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