i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
