got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
