my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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