is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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