that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
