There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
