I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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