I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
