I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
if i died would you start the facebook group?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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