i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
