I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
