I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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