I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
