Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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