I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
