Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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