I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
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i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
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Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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