Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
