It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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