I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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