I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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